AWKWARD!!!

I am a very awkward sort of person. In public, I'm the one who will kick rocks and stare at my feet or nearby birds and comment about it if no one is making conversation. So the conversation goes like this.

Person: Hey how are ya? I haven't seen you in a while.

Me: Good. You? *stare at birds in street*

Person: Same thing. Work and kids.

Me: Oh that's funny. They're totally having coitus in the street. In front of everyone. 

Person: oh, huh? Weeeelllll it was nice talking to ya.

Yeah I'm that awkward. I'm completely inappropriate and rude. I interrupt because I really have no idea why. Lately it's been like this with my friends as well. I am really sick. No lie. However, to give you the reason you came for, the ultimate awkward of awkwardness. My most awkward moment. How do you top the bird sex? The time I tried to teach a deaf woman a song, the time I almost ran over an old woman with a motorized scooter, the time my dad caught me smoking and me trying to hide it (smoke swirling above my head behind my back)...telling a complete stranger how my dogs vagina drug the snow while in heat? (I am dead serious.) In high school I lived with a simple, cheap, hermit I call my father. We never celebrated Thanksgiving. I think we did once by eating Banquet Turkey TV dinners. So, my best friend would invite me to her house. They were devout Southern Baptists. Which meant no alcohol, no premarital sex, no gays...you get it.

We were 16. Young, dumb and unstoppable. She was sleeping with her first "true love we're going to be high school sweethearts forever and ever and ever..." boyfriend. They lost their virginity's together. And, left the evidence in the bottom of the trash basket in her room. So during blessing I always look around and watch people. I find it humorous. No idea why. But, here comes her Pomeranian. Chewing pretty damn good on something. I honestly hated the dog so I just sorta sat there and watched. I had completely zoned out and didn't hear the words "amen" signifying the end of the blessing. Pretty soon, an entire dining room full of people were staring at me. I felt that heaviness at my back. That animalistic instinct when you know you're being stared at like a gazelle in a hungry lions den.

When I finally come to, it's from the sound of her grouchy great grandmother asking me if aliens had confiscated my brain. (Love you too granny.) Everyone turned to see what I was staring at, when, um...her dad walked over and pulled it out of the Pom's mouth. HER DAD IS STANDING THERE HOLDING HER USED CONDOM. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to sink into the chair and become it. Oh why could I not just become a wooden chair? Ugh. 

My best friends face turned like 50 shades of red. Her boyfriends love juice mixed with the saliva of her DOG was dripping onto the carpet. She got up and ran to the bathroom for some prayer time with the porcelain god. Her dad belted for her to come back when she was finished. In this voice I would only imagine some Greek god capable of. He pulled the belt out of the loops and we all could hear the leather making that infamous sound when only 1 of 2 things were to happen. Amazing, kinky sex. Or an ass whooping. And I'm damn near 100% sure daddy wasn't going to do the first. Before she could come out of the bathroom, she was already accused of being a rotten harlot whom would burn in the eternal depths of hell. "It's mine." Came out of my mouth before I could even think of what to say in my mind. Worse enough those that heard made loud gasps. Those that either were hard of hearing or their brains couldn't register, had to ask again what I'd said. The entire night was spent with preachings of the bible, sermons, dirty looks and not to mention them asking me to wash my hands every 5 minutes.

Yeah. Most awkward moment ever for me.

What is yours?